A Mary Sue Parody
by ashanta
Summary: A group of Mary Sues enter Hogwarts, but find their typical charms and perfections somehow failing to get the reactions they usually warrant. Harry and Ron finally figure out the Sues weakness, with Special Guest Appearance by Hogwarts' Resident Man-Ho.
1. Prologue: The Sorting of the Sues

**Title**: A Mary Sue Parody  
**Author**: Ashanta  
**Rating**: R for language and themes  
**Summary**: A group of Mary Sues enter Hogwarts, but find their typical charms and perfections somehow failing to get the reactions they usually warrant.

A Mary Sue Parody

_Prologue: The Sorting of the Sues_

  
  
"A _what_?"  
  
"A special Sorting Ceremony. Honestly Ron, didn't you read the bulletin this morning?" Hermione asked snappishly as she closed her Ancient Runes textbook set aside her homework. The trio were sitting in their usual spots by the common room fire, Hermione informing Ron about ceremony that supposed to take place tonight which, strangely enough, was in the middle of the year. "Apparently a few new students seem to have enrolled in Hogwarts--"  
  
"In the _middle of the year_?" Ron asked incredulously.  
  
"Yes, I find it a bit odd, too…" Hermione said, and picked up her copy of _Hogwarts, A History_. "According to this, there have never been any special sorting ceremonies in the middle of the year; it's the first of its kind."  
  
"How many students are transferring?" Harry asked, setting aside his Potions essay. He'd pretend to make up the properties of moonstone later.  
  
"I'm not sure," answered Hermione, furrowing her eyebrows.  
  
"Well, that's a first," Ron quipped, and Hermione sent him a look.  
  
"Well, anyway, we'd better start heading down…" Harry said. "Might want to get good seats, and all that."

----------

  
  
It was by far the weirdest Sorting anyone had ever witnessed. There were only three girls, the first girl, "Silvesri, Rayelline" ("It's _Ray_! Don't _ever_ call me by my full name!") was dressed in what appeared to be a series of very complicated, very meddlesome clothing of red and black with clashing green streaks in her dark hair. When she sat on the stool, snatching the Sorting Hat off the chair, she didn't put it on, but instead yelled at it first (using a string of unnecessary curse words), threatening that she would hex it into the next century if it didn't place her in Slytherin. The entire Hall stared at her.  
  
The Sorting Hat gave what looked like a very irritated look as she then placed it on her head. "HUFFLEPUFF!" It cried out loud, the rip twisted into a smirk, and the girl looked downright murderous. The Hufflepuff table looked mutinous.  
  
The girl screamed a very audible curse and then made a rude hand gesture, ripping the hat off her head and stormed down and sat amidst the Slytherins anyway. They all scooted away from her surreptitiously.  
  
"She _wanted_ to be in Slytherin?" said Seamus Finnigan disbelievingly from his usual seat next to his best friend, Dean Thomas.  
  
"Yes, and her behavior _does_ seem slightly odd…" Hermione said slowly, as if thinking. She quieted quickly, however, when McGonagall, who's nostrils were flared, continued, taking a deep, calming breath.  
  
The second girl, "Petalworth, Amanda," skipped happily over to he stool and jammed it on her head, folding her flowing, sky blue robes in front of her. The Hat almost immediately yelled out "RAVENCLAW!"  
  
The polite applause that followed was suddenly interrupted by Amanda's racking sobs as she continued to sit on the stool with the Sorting Hat still on her head, looking very much as though it'd rather be anywhere else but there. "Just like m-my mum and d-dad!" she wailed loudly, burying her face in her hands and leaning forward as her shining blonde hair fell into her face. "They would b-be so proud of me if they were s-still…alive!" She pulled her knees up the stool and continued on as if she were confiding in a best friend instead of blubbering loudly in front of a large group of dumbstruck teachers and students. "Ohh, it was _horrible_! My dad was killed by Death Eaters _right in front of my eyes_! And my mother died of appendicitial-dysfunctional-cholera-inflamatosis! On my third birthday!" She wailed. "And then, when I was ten, my foster parents beat me and then made me prostitute myself for money to help pay bills--"  
  
"At _ten_?" Ron asked incredulously with a look of pure terror on his face.  
  
"--and my pet cat, Mr. Soggybottoms, was killed by my foster brother's pet basilisk--" she continued, before Professor McGonagall intervened.  
  
"Really, my dear, that's quite enough…" she said to her sharply, then firmly, but gently lifted the hat from her head and trying to help Amanda from the stool.  
  
"You wouldn't understand!" Amanda shrieked, tears pouring down her face. "No one understands me!" She jumped down from the stool and then ran from the Great Hall, blubbering. Professor Flitwick reluctantly went after her to make sure she was all right.  
  
And awkward silence followed. Professor McGonagall cleared her throat and then went on, "Moonstarr, Arilyanne," and the last girl stood up, wearing tight jeans and a--supposedly--fashionably small T-shirt with some sort of witty saying upon it. She looked as though she hoped everyone could read it and marvel at her cleverness. They couldn't, and didn't care too. Mostly, they wondered where her and the other girls' robes were, and why they seemed allergic to wearing them.  
  
As she walked over, she said disdainfully in a tone she probably assumed was under her breath, "This is so much more different that how we sort in _America_." She placed the Sorting Hat on her head, and continued, "In _America_, we can do wandless magic too, and most of this stuff comes naturally."  
  
"I'd wish she'd go back to America then," Fred muttered under his breath to George, and Harry and Ron snickered.  
  
"GRYFFINDOR!" the Hat proclaimed after a while, and the Arilyanne the American smirked smugly and ambled down to the Gryffindor table. They didn't exactly seem pleased to meet her.  
  
"Well, I'd like you all to welcome our new students into our Hogwarts home!" Dumbledore said brightly, smiling at his horrorstruck students and staff. "And, for what is a Sorting Ceremony without a feast…" He waved his arms and food magically appeared across all the tables. "Tuck in!"  
  
No one looked remotely interested in eating. They all, in fact, looked fairly nauseous. 


	2. Chapter One: American Transfer Sue Meets...

**Title:** A Mary Sue Parody  
**Author:** Ashanta  
**Rating:** R for language and themes  
**Summary:** A group of Mary Sues enter Hogwarts, but find their typical charms and perfections somehow failing to get the reactions they usually warrant. The trio become suspicious of the "Transfer Students" and Special Guest Appearance made by the Walking Author's Note.

A Mary Sue Parody

_Chapter One: American Transfer Sue Meets the Trio_

  
  
"The whole thing seems very strange," Hermione said once she, Ron, and Harry left the Great Hall to head back towards the Gryffindor Tower. They had been discussing the arrivals of the three new girls in low tones ever since they'd left. Eventually the commotion died down and people began to eat slowly, uncertain that there would be any more deranged outbursts or shouting at hats.  
  
"You're telling me," Ron agreed, lowering his voice in case one of the three transfer students happened to be lurking around any corners.  
  
They weren't, but it turned out, as they rounded the corner to head to the Gryffindor Tower, Malfoy was. He was flanked, as usual, by his cronies Crabbe and Goyle, apparently in a discussion of some sort when he stopped suddenly as he spotted the trio, his eyes lighting up as if Christmas had come early.  
  
"Well, well, well…Potty, Weasel, and the Mudblood. Fancy meeting you here," he drawled, a smug smirk on his face as he, Crabbe, and Goyle blocked the way for Harry, Ron, and Hermione to get through to the Tower.  
  
"Bugger off, Malfoy," Ron began as Hermione put a hand on his arm to warn him not to do anything rash while Harry added, "Yeah, and get out of our way--"  
  
"Ooh, The Famous Harry Potter and his pet Weasel think they can tell me what to do," Malfoy laughed, cold eyes twinkling malevolently. "Crabbe, Goyle, why don't you--"  
  
Suddenly a voice spoke out from out of nowhere. "Don't worry, Harry, I'll handle him for you." At that moment Arilyanne came striding into view, her wand raised. Ron groaned and Harry looked slightly annoyed.  
  
"Look, I really don't need any help--" Harry began, but Malfoy interrupted.  
  
"Getting your little American girlfriend to fight your battles for you, Potter?" He laughed.  
  
Arilyanne pointed her wand closer to Malfoy's chest and yelled, "You're just jealous that _you_ can't have me! You can just kiss my ass, Malfoy…but I bet that's what you want, isn't it?" Despite the gravity of the situation Ron and Harry snickered while Malfoy just stared in disbelief. She waved her wand around in a complicated gesture and said some long-winded incantation as everyone stared at her as if she'd lost her mind, but before she had finished, Professor McGonagall came strolling into the hall and spotted her.  
  
"Ms. Moonstarr! _Dueling_ in the corridor on your _first day_?" She cried angrily, eyes becoming tiny slits. "Why, I've never seen such behavior! Ten points from Gryffindor! I can't believe such behavior from a student who came so highly recommended. Now, get up to your dormitory and let this be the last time I see you doing something like this again." She turned around to face the others. "And you all better go as well. It's getting late and you don't need to be wandering around--"  
  
"That's completely unfair!" Arilyanne yelled indignantly and stomped her foot. Hermione looked scandalized. "I was only trying to stand up for Harry--"  
  
"I didn't _need_--oomph!" Ron removed his elbow from Harry's side and Harry immediately quieted himself.  
  
"That may be, Ms. Moonstarr, but dueling in the middle of the corridors is unacceptable, and you would do well not to talk back. Now, unless you want to lose more points for your house already, I suggest you head up to your common room now," Professor McGonagall said sternly, and then without another word spun on her heel and left them all standing in the corridor.  
  
Malfoy sent one last look to Harry and the others, and then too turned away with Crabbe and Goyle following him.

----------

  
  
In the Gryffindor common room, the trio made it a point to ignore Arilyanne but found this wasn't so easy. She plopped down in the armchair across from them and began talking.  
  
"I'm Arilyanne, by the way, but all my friends just call me 'Anne.'" she began, as if they had been in conversation for hours.  
  
Harry, Ron, and Hermione exchanged looks and then smiled weakly at her. Hermione set down her cocoa and said as politely as she could manage, "Er…pleased to meet you," and traded more awkward glances with her friends that Anne seemed oblivious to.  
  
Anne continued on airly, "You're just lucky I showed up in time, Harry. Not that I minded, of course." She smirked and leaned against the chair, turning to Hermione. "I mean, Draco _is_ pretty hot, isn't he, 'Mione?"  
  
Hermione sputtered and choked on her cocoa while Ron patted her on the back, staring at Anne as though she had grown two more heads. "What?! No! He's absolutely horrible--why would I be attracted to someone as vile as him?" she cried, continuing to cough faintly.  
  
"Well, sure, he's bad, but that just adds to the appeal," Anne said, looking at Hermione as though she had lost her mind.  
  
"But you just tried to hex him!" Harry said incredulously.  
  
"Just so he knows who's boss," Anne said, and then laughed. "I'm just playing hard to get!" The trio continued to stare at her. Since the Special Sorting Ceremony, there had been a lot of confused staring going on. "Hermione, what's the matter with you? He's the hottest guy in this school!"  
  
Before anyone could feel properly aghast, a girl suddenly popped in out of nowhere a few feet behind Anne and began yelling at the top of her lungs, "A/N! OMG! Draco is SOOOOOO HAWT! He is TOTALLY TEH SEXXYY!!!11 LOLWTFBBQ!!!11!one!" The entire common room went deadly quiet and stared at the strange girl proclaiming her love for their most hated enemy.  
  
They slowly backed away from her.  
  
"Who the hell is that?" Ron asked, eyes wide. "She just Apparated into our common room!"  
  
"Ron, I told you…you _can't_ Apparate inside of Hogwarts grounds," Hermione said, but without her usual fervor considering what she had just witnessed. "Wait a minute, look at her shirt…" Hermione pointed, and the other's looked as well. On the front of the mysterious, loud-mouthed girl's shirt were the words in sparkly, pink letters "_Suethor_." Hermione gasped audibly, but Harry and Ron continued to look confused. "Of course! I should've seen it earlier! I have to go to the library, I'll be back as soon as I can!" she said excitedly, and darted out the portrait hole with amazing speed.  
  
"Why does she always do that?" Ron said in an aggravated tone, and Harry could only shrug. They noticed Anne leaving the through the portrait hole some few minutes after, and thought she was either very brave or very stupid considering what Professor McGonagall had said to her only a few moments earlier. Judging from her previous behavior, they decided upon the latter.  
  
After quite a while, the commotion died down as the "Suethor" girl disappeared back to where ever she had come from, Harry told Ron maybe they should ask what Hermione found out in the morning, as it was getting late and they were getting tired, when the portrait hole door suddenly swung open again.  
  
Arilyanne walked in first, chatting excitedly to someone who was entering right behind her. The girl following Arilyanne in was as tall as her, but dressed similar to the girl who yelled at the Sorting Hat earlier and demanded to be in Slytherin. Her clothes where just as equally ridiculous with strange patterns of red and black plaid, unnecessary netting, and too many bracelets and piercings covering her slim, curvy body. Her hair was straight with an array of highlights and colors that would make the northern lights jealous. She wore too much make up and uncomfortable looking boots, but stood there as if she hadn't realized any of this.  
  
"Notice anything different?" the strange girl said, jutting out her hip and placing her black-painted-finger-nailed hand upon it.  
  
Very, very slowly, it dawned on Harry and Ron. "Her-Hermione…?" Ron asked, looking horrorstricken.  
  
"Don't call me that!" she said angrily, and her eyes suddenly blazed red. "It's just 'Mione, now!"  
  
There was another POP! and the Suethor suddenly appeared again, yelling, "A/N! 'Mione's clothes r SOOOOO KEEWWWL! Her n Arilyanne went 2 HOT TOPIC while they were gone & bought 'Mione a whole new SUPERKEWL wardrobe & gave her a MAKEOVER!!!1! She looks HOT & SEXXYY NOW! OMGWTFBBQ!!!1!!one!"  
  
"There's no Hot Topic in England…" Dean Thomas said from somewhere across the other side of the room to Seamus Finnigan, a confused look on his dark face.  
  
"I'm scared, Harry," Ron whispered, terrified eyes still on the girl who claimed to be Hermione as she chatted happily with Arilyanne about the hotness that apparently was Draco Malfoy.  
  
"Me too, Ron." Harry agreed. "Me too."

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**_Real_ Author's Note**: I'm currently working on formatting the 3rd chapter now, as it is already written, and I just need to get it all "prettified." Reviews appreciated!


	3. Chapter Two: In the House of the Serpent

**Title:** A Mary Sue Parody  
**Author:** Ashanta  
**Rating:** R for language and themes, just to be safe  
**Summary:** A group of Mary Sues enter Hogwarts, but find their typical charms and perfections somehow failing to get the reactions they usually warrant. As Ron and Harry try to figure out what's happened to The Real Hermione, Draco now find himself in the Sues' sights.

A Mary Sue Parody

_Chapter Two: In the House of the Serpent_

  
  
"Harry, that _couldn't_ have been Hermione." Ron whispered to his best friend once they had finally had enough when Arilyanne and Not-Hermione started making up stupid dares that all seemed to involve getting into other boys' pants . "No one grows that much in the span of a _half hour_! Look at her!"  
  
"Yeah, something must have happened to the real Hermione," Harry agreed, also keeping his voice low. "We'd better get to the bottom of this, fast…" Harry leaned over his bed and reached into his trunk and pulled out his father's old Invisibility Cloak.

----------

  
  
It was around midnight when Harry and Ron entered the library where the Real Hermione had supposedly been last. They found one lone book open on the table and stepped closer and peered closely at it, hoping it would give them some sort of clue as to what happened to their best friend.  
  
"_'Canon Rape and the Illogical: The History of Mary Sues?'_" Ron read aloud when he flipped to the cover of the book, a puzzled look on his face. "Who's Mary Sue and _what_ has Hermione been _reading_?"  
  
"I dunno," Harry admitted, and picked up the book, marking the page Hermione had left it on. "Come on, maybe we can retrace her steps…"  
  
They left then, the book under Harry's arm, and began walking down the corridor when Ron spotted something shiny out of the corner of his eye. "Harry, look!" he whispered, elbowing Harry in the ribs once again. They shuffled together under the invisibility cloak, and came across a puddle of dark colored liquid on the floor.  
  
"It's blood…" Harry whispered, his heart clenching in his chest. He felt as if all the air around him had suddenly gone cold.  
  
Surprisingly, Ron laughed. "No, it's not." he said, and bent down, forcing Harry to bend as well since he too was under the cloak, and said, "It's black nail polish. See how it glistens?" Harry stood back up and stared at Ron accusitorily. "What? I _do_ have a sister, you know."  
  
"Uh-huh."  
  
"_What_?" Ron pressed, and Harry just dropped the subject and pointed out to where the polish made a trail leading away from the library and to the girls' lavatory. They followed it and noticed that it didn't lead directly into the lavatory, but veered off to the broom closet to the right. They checked the corridor to see that no one was coming and opened the broom closet door as it creaked slightly.  
  
"Ah-ha!--oh." Harry threw open the door and found nothing inside it but brooms, mops, and buckets. "You know, I really expected to find Hermione bound and gagged in here against her will…"  
  
"Yeah, me too. Go figure." Ron said with a shrug.  
  
"Back upstairs then?"  
  
"Reckon so."

----------

  
  
_Meanwhile, in the Slytherin common room…_  
  
Draco Malfoy was determined to get revenge on Potter and his little friends, including that annoying American girl as well. If only McGonagall hadn't shown up he would've shut that annoying bint up with a good hex or four…He was interrupted, however, from his calculated plans of evil and mischief when he suddenly heard a voice from above him. "Fuck. I've fucking heard about you,"  
  
Draco Malfoy looked up from his spot reclining in his favorite armchair and saw the raccooned-eyed, oddly dressed Railea--Realine--Ralenye--whatever her name was--staring over him. "Most have…" he drawled, and looked away from her, uninterested. It was only about time until she started talking to him; the two other transfer students had encountered him today already. Potter's annoying American girlfriend from earlier, and then just after he had left them, he had been cornered by the new Ravenclaw girl who, in all seriousness, asked Draco if he was just masking his romantic feelings towards Potter with anger and generally cruelty. He cursed her but good and went on his way without saying another word. Such idiocy didn't need to be encouraged with a proper response other than a good hexing.  
  
And now there was _this_ one. She continued to hover over him, weird purple eyes narrowed as she awaited a response. When he didn't say anything more, she continued, "I bet you fucking think you're so fucking tough. _I_ was the most goddamn accomplished witch at my old fucking school in the Dark Arts," she said importantly, continuing to hover. Draco wondered briefly if it were necessary for her to curse _that_ much.  
  
"How nice for you," Draco said in a bored tone that Rayelline obviously didn't catch. Instead, she rounded in front of him, and jutted her hip out seductively. Draco thought she looked as though she was about to fall over. "_What_ are you doing?"  
  
"My family's the most fucking well-known pureblood-fucking-family in goddamn England; the Silvesri family." she said, ignoring the question, and putting on the airs of someone who was trying to play hard to get and was failing miserably. "My fucking asshole father, he's a fucking governor, and--"  
  
"Why, might I ask, do you assume that I care?" Draco interrupted, and Crabbe and Goyle showed up then, standing in typical bodyguard stance between Draco and Rayelline. However, instead of behaving like a sensible person when Draco's cronies flexed their muscles threateningly and running for her life, her eyes instead lit up at the challenge. Why these new girls seemed to think they could single-handedly take down both Crabbe _and_ Goyle was beyond him, but it did prove for a bit of entertainment seeing them try.  
  
She whipped out her wand, and dogged a nonexistent blow by doing a series of unnecessary flips about the common room, and then crashed ungracefully into an end table. The Slytherin common room erupted in callous laughter.  
  
She got up then and said a very complicated-sounding hex (complete with complicated-looking hand and arm movements), pointing her wand at Crabbe and Goyle, who were still laughing. Her wand sputtered out some weak putrid green looking sparks, but otherwise nothing happened. The Slytherins laughed even harder.  
  
When she realized none of this was working, she angrily shoved the wand back into her pocket and then pulled out some strange-looking device Draco had never seen before. There appeared to be two parts, one in the shaped of a small, thick saucer, black and sleek. It was connected by a long black string to what looked like skinny black earmuffs.  
  
"Ooh, what's that?" Pansy Parkinson asked, pointing at Ray's strange object and coming over for a closer look.  
  
"It's a CD player, duh." Ray said smugly. "And mine is magical and can work inside of Hogwarts."  
  
"Really?" Pansy said excitedly. "What does it do? What's a see-dee?"  
  
"It's a muggle way to listen to music, duh. Don't you fucking know anything?"  
  
Pansy reddened, but let out a shrill laugh. "You're using a _muggle_ object? Oh, ew! Aren't you afraid of sliming up your hands with mud blood?" She laughed again, saying, "You can keep your dirty, seedy player!" and with that she left Ray, laughing shrilly as her other Slytherin girl friends joined her.  
  
"Oh, yeah, well you're a stupid-ass fucking whore, anyway!" Ray called back, but Pansy had already left. "And you're just jealous!"  
  
"YEAH! PANSY'S JUSS JELLUS! OMGWTFBBQ!!!11!1!one!!" agreed some random girl in a bright, sparkly shirt. Draco decided it'd be best if he just went to bed now; all the stupidity was beginning to give him a headache. 


	4. Chapter Three: A Lesson in Sue Relations

**Title:** A Mary Sue Parody  
**Author:** Ashanta  
**Rating:** R for language and themes, just to be safe  
**Summary:** A group of Mary Sues enter Hogwarts, but find their typical charms and perfections somehow failing to get the reactions they usually warrant. Harry and Ron continue on their search for the Real Hermione and on their way learn a thing or two about how the Sues react with other residents of Hogwarts.

A Mary Sue Parody

_Chapter Three: A Lesson In Sue Relations_

  
  
Ron and Harry had taken turns reading aloud _Canon Rape and the Illogical: The History of Mary Sues_, growing more and more panicked with each page they read.  
  
"Listen to this," Ron began, a grimace on his face, "'_The Preternaturally Perfect Sues have the ability to contort the will and even the appearance of canon characters in order to suit their needs and wants. They also can often warp both time and space in order to do their bidding, and create otherwise impossible relationships that border on incest, pedophilia, and more._' Merlin, Harry! I'd bet you anything that Anne is behind Hermione's disappearance!"  
  
"Yeah, no kidding," Harry said, closing the book. "But we can't confront her now…they've gone to bed and we can't get up into the girls' dormitory; we'll have to do it tomorrow." Ron didn't appear much like he wanted to wait until tomorrow, but saw Harry's point, and they finally retired and slipped into their separate four poster beds, leaving the book on their Harry's nightstand.  
  
When morning came, Harry and Ron hurried downstairs in hopes of encountering Anne but didn't find her anywhere in the common room. They did, however, discover Parvati Patil and Lavender Brown heading towards the door, chatting to one another, probably on their way down to breakfast.  
  
Harry caught up with the two girls before they had left and asked, "Have either of you seen Anne anywhere? Ron and I need to talk to her."  
  
Lavender stiffened and Parvati narrowed her eyes. "Anne who?" Parvati asked with a light scoff.  
  
"The new girl, you know," Ron insisted. "Don't tell me you don't know who she is after _that_ Sorting Ceremony yesterday."  
  
"Why should we pretend to know her when she doesn't want to know us?" Parvati said stiffly.  
  
"What?" Harry asked, confused.  
  
"She rooms with us in our dormitory along with Hermione, and hasn't said anything to us since we've met ." Lavender explained indignantly. "Anne has completely ignored us like we don't even exist!"  
  
"And it's not like we weren't friendly either," Parvati interjected. "We said 'hi' and everything, and she just acted like we weren't there."  
  
"Anyway, we'd better get down to breakfast; we'll catch you later," Lavender said, and pulled Parvati along behind her, and the two disappeared out of the portrait hole. Not long after, Ron and Harry followed suit.  
  
They wolfed down breakfast and left from the table, but still hadn't seen either Anne or "Hermione" anywhere. As they were making their way down the corridor the duo chanced upon a very unfortunate sound: the low, sneering voice of Professor Snape was coming from around the corner of one of the classrooms.  
  
Harry tugged on Ron's sleeve and pointed to the other direction, away from Snape, and Ron agreed with a nod; they didn't need to encounter Snape this early in the morning if they could escape it.  
  
"Aw, come on, Sevvy-Poo!" a girlish giggle followed this exclamation, and Harry and Ron stopped dead in their tracks and traded glances that exchanged the mutual idea: '_Should we laugh or gag?_'  
  
Snape's voice was low and menacing. "Ms. Petalworth, as it seems as though your small mind does not have the capacity or ability to sustain this information, let me spell it out for you one last time; you are to either address me as 'Professor Snape' or 'sir,' unless you feel the need to scrub the dungeon floors every night for the next three weeks."  
  
"Aw, Sevvy, don't be like that!" the new Ravenclaw transfer student chirped. "Besides, I'd want nothing more than to spend _more time with you_! I know you love me, Sevvy, and I love you too!"  
  
"She's clearly daft." Ron mouthed to Harry, and Harry nodded in agreement, both frozen on the spot in masochist curiosity to see how this scene would play out.  
  
They peered around the corner and were taken aback to see the girl making puppy-dog-like eyes at the greasy-haired Potions Master as if he were Cedric Diggory or Roger Davies. Snape looked very much like it was taking all his will power not to hex the girl right there. The two boys almost felt sorry for Snape, but then remembered what a nasty, hateful git he was and quickly forgot about their sympathy.  
  
"Fifty points from Ravenclaw for your sheer stupidity and _a months'_ worth of detention…with _Filch_." Snape said icily. "I do not know well enough to even form an opinion of you, Petalworth, but as it stands it's not anything short of abysmal as of now. You had best be thankful I don't have the power to expel you for your blatant attempt to defy the teacher-student relationship…not that I could barely even call you a student, as your sheer incompetence to follow basic instructions astounds me. You can rest assure, however, that I will take this up with the Headmaster, and if I ever hear of you writing these atrocious love letters to me ever again, I will make it my personal mission to see you expelled."  
  
There was a swish of billowing robes, and Snape then disappeared down the corridor, away from Amanda, Harry, and Ron. Before they could slink away to wash out their ears with the strongest of soaps, Amanda let out another one of her shrill, piercing wails and slumped to the floor, tears once again streaming down her cheeks.  
  
"Goes from zero to a hundred in a second, that one," Ron said weakly, looking at Harry as if asking him if they should offer help or not to her.  
  
"Why do bad things always have to happen to me?!" she continued to wail, and for a moment Harry and Ron feared she had spotted them and was addressing them with her cries, but then realized she was merely blubbering to herself once again.  
  
"Let's go…" Harry whispered, and Ron nodded and followed, leaving Amanda to weep about the injustices the world bestowed upon the beautiful girl who was just trying to bring a little sunshine and love to everyone, and that if she couldn't win Sevvy's love like this, she'd then have to try something more "drastic." She then rubbed her hands together in a calculating manner and laughed maniacally, but Harry and Ron had long since disappeared by then to continue their search for Anne and "Hermione." 


	5. Chapter Four: The Priorities of Sues

**Title:** A Mary Sue Parody  
**Author:** Ashanta  
**Rating:** R for language and themes, just to be safe  
**Summary:** A group of Mary Sues enter Hogwarts, but find their typical charms and perfections somehow failing to get the reactions they usually warrant. Harry and Ron finally figure out the Sues weakness, with Special Guest Appearance by Hogwarts' Resident Man-Ho, Roger Davies as a silly plot device.

__

_A Mary Sue Parody_

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_Chapter Four: The Priorities of Sues_

Harry and Ron reached Transfiguration just a few moments before the bell rang, still horrorstruck about what they had just witnessed. They silently agreed to themselves that this Amanda must also be "One of Them," and were sure if that was the case, so was the new Slytherin girl, Ray.

Granted, it had only been their second day with these new girls, but something definitely didn't sit right with them when they spent an entire Transfiguration class with neither Hermione or Anne showing up the entire time. If no one had stopped her, Hermione would've shown up for Transfiguration class even if she were bleeding and in danger of dying of blood loss. (Well, perhaps she would've went to the hospital wing, but she surely would've tried to be back in class the very next day.)

Professor McGonagall seemed to be thinking along the same lines, because when class was over, she pulled both Harry and Ron to the side, waiting for the others to leave and asked in a concerned tone, "Do either of you happen to know if Ms. Granger and Ms. Moonstarr have taken ill?" She handed them Hermione and Anne's make up work and continued, "Ms. Moonstarr has missed her very first lesson--not at all a good way to start off considering the degree of difficulty of these spells--and Ms. Granger seemed to have been quite excited about starting Distortion Spells today. Are they both sick?"

"In a way…" Ron supplied.

When they walked back through the Great Hall to head towards the greenhouses for Herbology, they overheard Roger Davies and Terry Boot talking to one another, Davies looking thoroughly agitated about something.

"…They're challenging my title, Terry!" Davies lamented, his normally handsome face contorted slightly by a look of anguish. "_I'm_ Hogwarts' resident ho--"

"_Man_-ho." Terry corrected. Harry and Ron suppressed giggles and slowed down to listen, veering over slightly to the side so Terry and Davies couldn't see them.

"--And ever since those new transfer students started shagging with everything that moves, I'm just…I'm just afraid people will forget about me." Davies finished, looking dejected. "_I'm_ Hogwarts' Resident Man-Ho. I have a reputation to maintain, Terry, and these new girls are just…It's because I never got with Cho, isn't it? I should've hit that." Ron looked very much like he wanted to burst out in laughter right then, but at Harry's slightly murderous gaze directed at the back of Davies' head, he stayed quiet.

"It'll be all right, mate. You'll get back in the saddle again, soon enough."

"I dunno…it doesn't even seem worth it anymore; they've been here less than two days and already the rumors are everywhere…Do you know how long it took me to gain my title…?"

Sensing that this conversation was going to continue a lot longer than they had time to sit around to, Harry and Ron snuck out the other way and finally made it to the green houses for their next class.

However, Hermione and Anne never showed up to Herbology. They never showed up to any class until finally at the end of the day when Harry and Ron were in double Potions when Anne and Hermione (if it really was her, which Ron and Harry were beginning to dread that it indeed was and something awful had just happened to her) sauntered into class amidst the stares of everyone there. Ray walked in late as well, and looked rather intrigued that Hermione was copying her odd, uncomfortable-looking attire.

"Her-Hermione?" stuttered Neville, looking anxiously at her. "What happened to you? Where were you today during the rest of our classes?"

"I didn't want to go to any of those _boring_ classes so Anne and I skeeved them off," she said, sneering, as if daring Neville to challenge her. "Besides, hanging out with Anne is so much cooler; she taught me everything about American culture. It's so stupid living here in England where we have to do everything proper and shit."

"But…Hogwarts isn't in England[1]…" Neville said meekly.

"Yes, yes, settle down," Snape said, walking to the front of the classroom once everyone took their seats. He began lecturing them on a new potion they would be beginning today, and Harry and Ron were shocked to see Hermione not paying attention at all, but rather leaning back in her chair and making come-hither eyes at Draco across the room. Draco looked disgusted. Hermione, Anne, and Ray didn't quite seem to pick up on this, as all were flirting in the most shameful and obvious manner.

"Get _away_ from me, Granger." Draco said under his breath when Hermione sidled over to him, unbuttoning her blouse indiscreetly to show off her mysterious-gained cleavage. "What part of 'You're a dirty, filthy mudblood and I want nothing to do with you and actually hoped on several occasions that you die a horrible, painful death' did you not understand? And the same goes to you two!"

Once Snape had set everyone off to work with making their potions ("Poor work as usual, Potter. You'll be lucky if I even waste my time grading this rubbish at all once it's done considering the way it's looking now."), Ron pulled the _Mary Sue_ book from his bag and Harry and Ron began reading through it again, each taking turns checking on the potion so they would at least receive some sort of marks.

"Ah-ha! I found it!" Harry whispered excitedly, and shoved the book close to Ron so he too could read. "Apparently someone cast some sort of spell on Hermione, and it turned her in to one of those Sue-things just like them. And remember what Davies' was talking about earlier?"

"How could I forget?" Ron said with a grin.

"Sues apparently have--what is it?--oh, here it is: inhumanly enhanced libidos."

"Ew."

"You could say that again," Harry said, and grimaced. "But it says right the Sues one weakness…"

"What?" Ron asked, and peered closer at the book.

"Logic." said Harry, grinning. "Apparently, Mary Sues can't stand and are allergic to Logic. So, bearing that in mind, I think I have a plan…if we could get Hermione back to normal first, I think she can help us figure out what to do with the rest of the Sues."

"Brilliant."

Suddenly they felt the presence of another bearing down upon them and it didn't take long before they heard a low, harsh voice say, "Potter, Weasley, your potion seems to be a molted gray when it clearly says on the board that it's to be a powder blue. Five points from Gyffindor and no marks. You are to sit here while everyone else finishes up." Snape evaporated the potion and then walked back off without saying another word.

"Someone's clearly in a bad mood more than usual," Ron said, staring daggers at the back of Snape's greasy head.

"Must be that Amanda girl."

A slightly wicked glint appeared in Ron's eye. "I say we leave her to torment that slimy-haired git for a little while longer…"

With nothing else to do in Potions class now, Harry and Ron spent the remaining time devising their plan while an unsuspecting Anne, Ray, and Hermione continued to try to gain the attention of Draco Malfoy in vain.

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Author's Note: [1] It's not, is it? I always thought it was in Scotland. Do correct me if I'm wrong.

And for **my name is anonymous:**

_parody noun (pl. parodies) 1 an amusingly exaggerated imitation of the style of a writer, artist, or genre. 2 a feeble imitation. verb (parodies, parodied) produce a parody of._

Hope that helps! ;-) Thanks for the reviews; keep 'em coming!


	6. Chapter Five: In the House of the Badger...

Wow, it's been a while (read: months) since I wrote on this thing. Sorry 'bout that.

**Title**: A Mary Sue Parody  
**Author**: Ashanta  
**Rating**: R for language and themes  
**Summary**: A group of Mary Sues enter Hogwarts, but find their typical charms and perfections somehow failing...And now the canon characters are beginning to fight back. Suspense! Not really.  
**Setting**: General HP-verse

**Chapter Five: In the House of the Badger, Part I**

"You know, we could probably ask Ginny for help, too." Ron suggested as the walked away from Potions, for once not completely worried about their lack of marks in class today. "She cares about Hermione just as much as we do."

"Yeah, that's a good idea," Harry agreed. "Come on, she should be up in common room now…"

They climbed the stairs, narrowly avoiding being caught on one that was shifting towards the South Tower, and clambered through the portrait hole and into the Gryffindor common room. When they entered, however, Ginny was nowhere in sight.

"Maybe she's up in her room…" Ron speculated, and went over to ask Colin Creevy if he had seen his sister. Like he assumed, Colin confirmed that Ginny was in her room and would be down any minute.

"Good, I'm sure she'll want to help as well…she couldn't have possibly _not_ noticed what's been going on lately." Ron said.

Suddenly Colin tugged on Harry's robes to gain his attention, and when Harry looked down at him Colin pointed warily up at the stairs to the girls' dormitory. "She's right there," Colin whispered, and seemed to be avoiding gazing in the direction he was pointing.

Harry and Ron simultaneously looked up, pondered the strange girl descending the stairs for a moment with raccoon eyes and too-short clothes, and felt a sense of dread.

"Not my little sister too…" Ron said dejectedly, "Not Ginny…"

"Hold on a sec, Ron…" Harry said, thinking. "If I'm right, in a couple of seconds--"

_POOF!_ The Suethor appeared right on cue, but before she could begin her spiel, Ron and Harry confronted her first.

"What did you do to my sister?!" Ron yelled angrily, gesturing wildly at the girl behind him who was currently showing off her new curvaceous body to Colin Creevy, who looked slightly horrified and turned quickly away from her.

"And Hermione?" Harry added, equally incensed.

"You put them back right!" Ron interjected.

The Suethor stared at the both of them, blinking, and then cocked her head to the side, eyes wide and blank. "OMGWTFBBQ?!" She asked, confused.

"Hermione? And my sister?" Ron said slowly, and pulled Ginny by the arm and presenting her to the Suethor. "What did you do to them?! And you aren't going anywhere dressed like that…if mum found out…" Ron removed his cloak and placed it around Ginny's shoulders, covering her up.

"You can't tell me what to do anymore!" Ginny cried out angrily. "I'm totally hot and sexy now and I don't care what you or mum or anyone else says!" Ginny scrambled out of Ron's grasp, threw off Ron's cloak, and stalked off out of the common room through the portrait hole.

"There, you see?" Ron said to the Suethor indignantly. "That's not my sister!"

But the Suethor only continued to stare blankly in response.

Suddenly Harry was struck with a thought. "Ron…I don't think she can understand us." Harry whispered. "It's like we're speaking two differently languages or something."

"Should we try to communicate with her?"

"I think my brain might explode if we did…" Harry muttered. "No, I have an idea…follow me." They passed up the Suethor and left the common room, her cries of proclamation of the new Ginny echoing behind them.

"So, all right… so what's this brilliant idea of yours?" Ron asked as the made their way downstairs, Harry leading the way. He tucked _The History of Mary Sues_ into his book bag as he went.

"I wonder if any of the other houses are being affected the same way as we are…first Hermione, now Ginny…we couldn't be the only ones, could we?"

After much asking around, they realized that no, they weren't the only ones. Padma Patil told them that ever since the Sues arrived, Cho Chang had turned into a raving bitch, Roger Davies was a shell of his former self, and Amanda was making it her personal mission to shag every willing guy in their house, which so far was a rousing total of zero. Harry and Ron had no intention of talking to the Slytherins, deeming anything that happened to them due to the Sues was well deserved. But when they noticed Malfoy sulking away from the Slytherin common room without his usual bodyguards Crabbe and Goyle, curiosity got the better of them.

Against their better judgment, they walked towards Malfoy, who didn't notice the two of them until they had nearly collided into him. "Oh. It's you two." He said half-heartedly, not a trace of a sneer in his voice. Ron and Harry exchanged incredulous looks. "Look, Potter, I don't really have time for you right now. Zabini seems to have started dating that twit Ray and they're we can hear them all the way down in the common room with their racket and--" Malfoy paused. "--why am I telling you this? You don't know who Zabini is. And I don't even like you."

"Until two minutes ago I didn't even know Zabini was a bloke," Ron muttered.

"By all means I should be hexing and insulting you right and left and making your life a living hell, but ever since those…things…came to the school, I've seem to have just…lost the will to." Malfoy continued, looking almost depressed by this.

"It's more serious than we thought," Harry said to Ron. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

"I hope not…" Ron said.

"We need all the help we can get."

"Why didn't we ask Padma, then?!"

"What are you two going on about?" Malfoy asked, a slight trace of the old annoyance in his voice.

"Malfoy…just how much to you want to get rid of these new students…?"

----------

"I can't believe we joined forces with Malfoy…these Sues really are turning this place upside down," Ron said as he, Harry, and a very subdued Malfoy walked past the Great Hall and downstairs towards the kitchen.

"We need more help against these Sues, Ron," Harry began. "You remember what Lavender and Parvarti said earlier today?" Harry continued. "About Anne acting like they didn't even exist?" Ron nodded, and Harry went on, "Well, I was just noticing that they treat the Hufflepuffs the same way…no one's even in their house."

"Lucky them." Ron muttered.

"I think their house may be the only ones immune to the Sues…"

"We're going to ask those duffers for help?" Malfoy sneered. "Surely you must be joking."

"Hufflepuffs are stronger than you think, Malfoy," Harry shot back, remembering their collective cold shoulder and angry stares during the Triwizard Tournament. "And they have the advantage of slipping entirely underneath the Sues' radar."

Ron smirked. "They'll never see us coming,"


	7. Chapter Six: In the House of the Badger,...

**Title**: A Mary Sue Parody

**Author**: Ashanta

**Rating**: R for language and themes, just to be safe

**Summary**: A group of Mary Sues enter Hogwarts, but find their typical charms and perfections somehow failing to get the reactions they usually warrant. The first Sue meets her demise at the hands of Hufflepuffs, logic, and a very unamused Malfoy.

**Setting**: General HP-verse

**Notes**: Holy crap, I haven't written on this in five months…so sorry readers…if there are even still any out there. I've been drawing so much HP-verse stuff, I kinda forgot I hadn't finished on my written stuff. But enough of my babble, that's not what you wanted to read…

**A Mary Sue Parody**

Chapter Six: In the House of the Badger, Part II

Harry, Ron, (and to a lesser extent, Malfoy) all looked pleading over at the group of Hufflepuffs sitting across from them in the Hufflepuff common room, seated on cushy chintz chairs and sofas.

The three of them had tracked down Justin Finch-Fletchley as asked if they could have a word with him and the other Hufflepuffs in their common room. Justin met their request with suspicion at first, and a number of times cast an incredulous glance at Malfoy standing calmly there among his enemies, but finally decided to let them follow him in. He did, however, make them cover their ears when he spoke the password.

Now, after Harry and Ron, and to some degree a unenthused Malfoy, explained their situation to the Hufflepuffs, they anxiously awaited their answer.

Ernie Macmillian, diplomatic as always, laughed uproariously in their collective faces. "Oh, so now you want our help?" He chuckled, savoring the irony. "I though we weren't anything but a bunch of cowardly pushovers."

"Ernie, you all are the only ones who can stand up to the Sues," Harry pleaded.

Zacharias Smith, who was leaning against the large armchair Susan Bones was sitting in, spoke suddenly in his usual pompous manner, "Why exactly should we help you? For once being the most ignored house has played to our advantage…why would we want to spoil that? Let all the 'better' houses deal with their own mess, I'd say."

"Oh, shut up, Zach," said the curly-haired Justin Finch-Fletchley good-naturedly, ever the peacemaker. He grinned at Harry and Ron, even smiling ever-so-slightly at Malfoy, and said, "Of course we'll help you. Those Sues are heinous--maybe we don't come in contact with them directly, but we still don't want them in Hogwarts anymore than you do."

Ernie grinned, "I was just taking the mickey out you guys. It's for the greater good of Hogwarts, so of course we'll pitch in to get rid of those girls."

"Yeah, Zacharias is just being a prat," Hannah Abbott chimed in brightly, and Zacharias scowled. "We don't like those Sues much either. Anne was with us in Herbology the other day and the only thing should could manage to say was that the best thing Hufflepuffs ever had was Cedric and…" Hannah trailed off then, looking angry. "Well, anyway, we don't like them."

Susan leaned further back into her armchair and her placed her fingertips together in a steeple. "What do you need us to do?"

----------

Harry and Ron watched closely as their plan was put into action. Malfoy stared listlessly at the floor and waited, looking as if all the life had been completely sucked out of him; without the will to make Potter and Weasley's lives a living hell, he seemed to be on the verge of blinking out of existence.

As Ray entered the corridor, Harry and Ron nudged Malfoy forward to confront Ray. The pale boy shuffled forward, sighed, and said as if reading off of an invisible cue card, "Ray, you were right all along. You are way too…" he sighed again, and grimaced, "…sexy for me to resist any longer. I must have you." He looked as though each word cause him excruciating pain.

Rather predictably, of course, Ray didn't notice this. "Oh, Draco, I knew you wanted me!" She exclaimed happily, and her eyes suddenly flashed purple. She raised her arms to embrace Malfoy, but he quickly scooted away.

"And yet--" he added more urgently, "I love another as well--I don't know who to choose."

Ray's eyes now burned red. "Who is she? Is it that fucking bitch, 'Mione! I'd Abracadabra her so good…"

Ron blinked. "Doesn't she mean Avada--" Harry quickly slapped his hand over Ron's mouth.

Malfoy turned faintly green at the very thought. "What? No!" He regained his composure after momentarily feeling sick to his stomach and then continued, "Susan Bones."

"Who?" Ray asked, quirking her head to the side like a confused dog.

"Me." Susan said, stepping into view, wand brandished like a sword. "If you want Draco's love, you'll have to fight me for it!" Susan was able to say the line with a straight face, where as if it had been Hannah, she would have giggled hysterically at the very notion. Susan threw a complicated hex at Ray, hitting her square between the eyes.

Ray thudded to the ground, dazed and confused. She pushed herself back up and screamed, "I--who the fuck are you?"

"So you can see me, then?"

"Of course I can fucking see you!" Ray cried angrily, swiping the small trickle of blood from the corner of her mouth--Susan's curse had hit her hard.

"Even though I'm just a minor character?"

"I--wha…?" Ray's eyes went wide in shock, and she turned pale. "Who are you?"

"I thought I told you; Susan Bones."

"But-but…"

"But you can't see someone who doesn't exist, can you?" Susan said smoothly. "Let alone be attacked by them. And you certainly couldn't vie for the love of your precious Draco with a minor character…"

"But…this doesn't make any fucking sense!" Ray cried out in anguish.

"Perhaps not to you…but then again, you are allergic to logic, aren't you?"

There was the usual deafening POP! but this time, instead of the Suethor appearing, Ray vanished into thin air.

The other Hufflepuffs, Harry, and Ron emerged from their places of hiding. "Well, done, Susan!" Ernie said, giving her a hearty slap on the back--she nearly lost her balance from the force.

Ron smirked, "One down, two to go…"

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**Author's Note:** Eh…I don't really like the way I wrote this chapter as much, but reviews are still very much appreciated! Thank you again for reading and er…sorry it took me so long to update. Stoopid school.


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